Combating Fears

As I sit here in the San stage house, one day, 12 hours before I head to site for the first time, I think of the biggest fear that kept me from applying to the peace corps. In the 12 hours, I will be facing a fear that has reserved me from reaching many of my dreams, many of the things I have wanted to do in my short life, and which I have chosen not to. This fear is loneliness. All who know me well know my biggest fear in life is to be alone. This is not uncommon with youth my age, who have yet to find their true love or companion. Being one in this group, I find myself sitting here, on a cliff, if you will, of my whole life behind me; my fears begging me not to descend into the black hole which if life. Yet, when I wake up tomorrow morning and put my bug hut away I know that I will be, finally, choosing to take this plunge and stop being scared (well kind of).

Being scared is such a part of life. Everything that we do, in some way, has been affected, or will be affected by an inner fear each and every one of us holds dear to our hearts. As I said earlier, my fear is loneliness. Being alone in a village, not being able to communicate, except “I need to eat” and “I’m tired”, is such a terrifying thought for me. Finally, I will be independent, on my own. For the last couple of years my life has turned upside down and completely re-written. I have thought, before this moment, that I have become an independent young woman; I don’t think so. I think the experience that I am about to encounter will make me the independent and responsible woman I WANT to be. It will force me to face my fears, literally and metaphorically. For some of us, we have fears that we can handle at a distance, encountering them only in a safe space of family and friends. For me, for any Peace Corps volunteer, we face this alone. We are forced to grow up and live on our own, in a country we don’t know, with a language we don’t understand (but hopefully will), and on top of all that, all that growing up we HAVE to do, we are expected and branded with a most important task, the task of being a representative of a country. Wow, I think about what I am expected to do here, and that is to be a representative of the United States of America. Shit, that’s deep stuff. I not only have to take care of myself, but I have to take care of an image that means so much to millions of people. I have to be an ambassador of the American dream, American values, American ethics, and the American people. How many people, at the age of 23, can say that is their job? to this date, over 200,000 people, and I am one of them. I am one of the lucky ones who gets to be a leader for the American people, on the ground of another country. I am blessed to learn another language, be a “middle gender” and discuss issues that normally would never be contemplated. I am here for the people, the Malian people and the American people.

Having this task on my back, I feel, has made this fear of mine grow exponentially. I am so afraid of being alone, and now I have to not only combat my fear but succeed when others have failed, I can not fail, I will not fail. In this book that I am reading, the writer says: “She was simply numb, her mind having absorbed all the fear it could, like a sponge saturated with water; after a while the fear became a constant, cold companion, a simple fact of existence”. This has been my life for the last 23 years; so consumed with fear that I have been unable to exist in any other context. I am done. I am no longer afraid. I am ready to confront these fears and be ok with an outcome that does not match my dreams. I have been avoiding opening the door because I am so afraid of what is on the other side. But I don’t want to live that way, with fear controlling my every move and decision. I want to love my dad so much, that I have been resisting opening that door, in fear that what I will find on the other side will banish my love for him. I cannot live like that any more.

In essence, this blog posting was a reassurance to myself that I can do this. I am strong enough, I am able enough, I am courageous enough to embrace the future. I don’t know what will happen, but I hope to think that my past experiences will have “toughened me up”. I hope to think I am strong enough now to overcome any feat that may or may not impede its way on my path of life. So tomorrow when I leave the safety of this stage house and embark on a new journey, a journey to my new home, I will go with gusto, and as my grandmother would say “hello world, here I come”.

- This blog post is dedicated to my dear and closest friend Frosty, who with her strength and courage, made it possible for me to be here today.