I would like to start out by apologizing to everyone for my last blog posting. I understand that some of you might have taken offense by it. I would like to explain myself and to explain my blog in general.
When I started a blog I wanted it to be one thing. Yes, I wanted people to be able to track my adventures in Mali and the lessons I learn here. But really, I wanted, I want my blog to be an outlet for my thoughts and allow other people, who are not in the Peace Corps, to be able to get an idea of the mentality and physiological affect this place and what this institution has on people. I hoped that over time, with the succession of my blog, one would be able to determine my “calendar of emotions”, the railroad that is the Peace Corps, through my blog.
It is difficult to explain to people at home what we are going through here. This is not a vacation. This is not just a job. This is a life changing opportunity, time, where we give up everything we had at home, every comfort of America and our families and friends and come to a completely different environment and place and are alone. Doing this with someone is a different deal. You know that person. You know who they are really, and there are no secrets. But if you are alone, if you come here by yourself, which most of us do, we are all alone. We are alone because everyone has secrets and hiding them is hard. Everyone has a past, and for some our pasts are tragic, and hurtful and sad. For some our secrets dominate our lives. They decide every move we make, how we act, react and how we think. When we come here alone, the people we count on at home who know us and where no explanation for actions is needed are gone. This makes us downright alone. Coming to a whole new world (which is what it really is) is not only hard physically, but mentally. We have to not only learn how to trust people and take a huge faithful step, hopefully in the right direction, but we have to deal with all the other issues the Peace Corps throws at us; a COMPLETELY different and strange language, a new culture, a new way of thinking. Here, you are the minority. Here, you HAVE to change the way you think and live your life to be able to get to the next day.
Have you ever been so scared to go to sleep because the conditioning of America has told you that all Africans are barbaric, and you’re terrified that you won’t wake back up? Even though you remind yourself that that is not true and that Malians are the most generous, caring and loving people, you still have this fear that motivates your every move, which prevents you from sleeping. It takes every amount of effort to pretend your sleeping until your body takes control and nature wins. That’s what I go through every night.
Have you ever woken up and feel completely alone because not one person around you knows who you really are? You feel like you are living a fake life, one of courage and strength, when in reality you are just trying to get to the next day and not fall apart. Every one here wants to project that image that we are strong, confident people, that nothing can push us down because we got into the Peace Corps and we are here. Really though, this is all a façade. Everyone here is struggling, or has struggled to get from one day to the next. We silently, or not so silently cry and tell ourselves to just deal and to not be weak. We look at other people and tell ourselves to not compare ourselves, but then look on in jealousy or desperate longing to be that person, or to just be with that person, so we are not so alone.
Have you ever experienced not seeing the people you love for 27 months? Not one touch, not one kiss, not one smell of their sent? I cannot think about my mother or my sister or my friends because when I can’t help but cry. I cannot think about all the people I am missing, who usually are just a phone call away, because it is such a daunting thought that I have to purposefully push it out of my mind, hoping that the next day will be different. It never is.
My point, to all of you out there, is that no one at home can ever understand what we are going through. Its not there fault either, it’s just a Peace Corps thing. If you have done it, you know. If you haven’t, no matter how hard you want to understand you simply can’t. And that is why, although we call home and talk to friends, we sometimes still feel so alone. No matter how much we want to share with these people who have completely defined our lives, we can’t, and that boundary kills. It can kill our spirit and our hope. Therefore, we have to depend on the people here to be our new family. So we can go to them when we are sad, or alone, or out of our minds crazy. Yet, once here, everyone is trying to be someone they aren’t, not until you really know them, and breaking that barrier can be tragically difficult. Allowing yourself to trust someone you don’t know and hoping beyond belief they will respect you and keep your secret is, well, now that is hard. That is a bloody hard thing to do. We all come in with secrets, and we all come in trying to find something; something about ourselves, something about humanity, something about blind human nature. We are all searching and the question of the day is will we find it? We all have fears; will we be able to combat them? Everyone has things about themselves they don’t like, will we settle or try and change them? We all come here somewhat broken, and are hoping beyond belief that we will be fixed by this experience; by the people we meet here.
All I’m trying to say is there is a reason people say the Peace Corps is the hardest job you’ll ever love. We all want to be here, and we all love something about this place, but the pressure to succeed, change, and excel push us to physiological limits. I guess that is why it is said that this will change your life, why you leave home one person and come back another. It is hard. And although we can do it, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes there are the most amazing moments and sometimes we just feel completely and utterly alone.
